Why Am I Shaking?

I'm nervous because I started getting positives yesterday... It feels too early. What if it is a chemical pregnancy?

Don't worry, I'm actually being really calm. I'm just worried to tell anyone because I don't want to have to explain a CP.


Just for the record, this was my test result within 2 minutes. I should've taken the picture at the 5 minute mark.


And -- all of the baby stories I've seen this morning have been twin related. Is that a sign? Haha.
I promise my entire blog won't be baby related IF this is it for me... I have too many Blogger friends that I don't want to upset.

Wow, Time Flies.

5 years ago, I drunk dialed a random boy (from my best friends phone).

I went to a concert two days after the drunk dial incident and I saw a guy walk in the room and I knew I had to meet him. A was the first (and he will be the LAST) guy that I ever approached for a conversation.

I'm so glad I did. 

Something was going through my mind that night and I had all of the courage and confidence in the world.

Today was originally supposed to be my FET transfer but since AF didn't show up on time, I had to push it back a week. So, we are transferring on the date that I first stayed the night at his house and we had our first kiss. 

And I am testing on our 1 year wedding anniversary.

I think those are all signs that this is meant to be. :)

We had a photoshoot today for our 5 year anniversary. I've gotten a sneak peek and I'll post two of those for you to see! 

ICLW March Edition!

Welcome ICLWers!

Before I do a short intro, I wanted to announce that my lining is at an 11! They want to see it around 6 so my body is yet again overachieving. Apparently it's a perfect home for a baby or two so let's hope my FET is a success on the first time. Oh, annnndd.... I got to cut back to work to 4 days a week! Wooo woooooooooooooo! I was SO tired of working 6 days a week!

Annnyywhooooo.  Short introduction?

I'm Kayla, I'm married to a wonderful man I refer to as A on here! I'm a cancer survivor and I've been through hell and back with that. I went through 11 months (roughly) of chemotherapy so we are thinking that is what caused me to be where I am today! I've been through 3 cycles of Clomid + trigger but my last Clomid cycle in October was a bust, my body completely quit responding. That's when I got word that I needed to go on to IVF. We started our first IVF cycle in December and had my egg retrieval in January.. shortly after, I developed OHSS and, well... here I am now! Counting down the days to my frozen embryo transfer!


Whew. What a blabber mouth.
Can't wait to meet new people! <3.

Countdown to Knock-up!

I am about 2 weeks away from my FET and I am getting so FREAKING EXCIIITEDDD!!!!

:)

A and I went to see *THE* house tonight. He loved it, like I knew he would! They're asking about $10,000 more than we expected but I think we can make it work if they pay our closing costs. The sucky part is: they aren't ready to move out just yet....as they have yet to find themselves somewhere to live in the south. SOOOO... we can't start the process until late April or early May.

I'm just looking at it as an excuse to save some money up!

What elllseeee.... the femring isn't noticeable but I am very, verrryyy worried I am going to piss the damn thing out and the Vivelle patches aren't bad... just covered in clothing particles at all times, haha.

I don't have much time to write because I am at my husbands band practice and I literally cannot concentrate.

Xoxoxo.

Quick.

I am going to sit down tomorrow and write to all of you that have left comments and/or emailed me lately! I've been SO damn busy but I figured I'd throw you all a quick update :)

I am transferring 2 blasts on March 30! If they stick, I'll have an EDD of December 15, 2012 -- the birthday of a friend that has passed. I swear, this whole date-being-the-date-of-something-meaningful-thing has gotten to me!

I start my meds on Sunday :) I am inserting the Femring and applying a Vivelle patch. I am NOT stoked about the Femring but what can you do? I am SO damn glad to NOT be on the Lupron protocol with the Progesterone in Oil shots.

Anyway! The medicine that I am going to be using:
1 Femring for 31 days
Vivelle patches
Endometrim
Prometrium 100mg
Prometrium 200mg
Minocycline
Medrol


If I get pregnant, I'll continue with four Vivelle patches every Monday & Thursday, get a new Femring, and do Prometrium three times a day..... for 10 weeks!


Oh and.
I had my 3 month check-up at the cancer doctor and my CT scan results were good... except something they didn't mention over the phone.

Apparently, some lymphnodes in my groin area (where the cancer had spread to) were enlarged. They did a scan in May 2011 and saw them and since then, there has been very little change.


But there has been change....and that is not good.


So, if I'm pregnant and I have the baby by the end of this year, I'll an immediate body scan afterwards. I've been so upset and so concerned since I read an article about a mother passing stage 4 Melanoma on to her baby and the 9 month old baby is now dying (the mother passed).

My oncologist reassured me that is an extreme case and not to worry.

But she also made me bawl when she said: "Melanoma is never really gone, it's just lying dormant in your body. It could come back at every time but you are doing all that you can so please try not to worry."

....Not worry?

HAHAHAHA.

Okay, the husband and I are going to relax tonight and do a little cleaning tomorrow. I am very anxious for him to get to see the house soon! Most likely next week now.

A Whole Lotta Nothin'.

We finally FINALLYYYY got our FET stuff under control!
We ordered half of the medicines from MedCo and paid extra to order from CVS. I do NOT need my period to show up to start meds.... Which, is good because AF never shows without assistance. Woo woo.

So I officially start my FET hormones on Monday!
If you have any advice for vaginal suppositories, please let me know.

Oh, and IF my period comes, I will transfer on 3-23. If she doesn't show, we transfer on 3-30!
Both of those dates are super significate to me. I met my husband 5 years ago on March 23, 2007.. and we really started to hang out on March 30, 2007. Oh and I'll test ON our wedding day.... How freaking crazy? Maybe, just maybe I was given OHSS and made to wait for this reason?!!

I told my parents about the house thing, by the way. They were supportive! We are going to the bank this coming week to get pre-approved, hopefully.

AND I'M STILL CANCER FREE.
I found out Monday.

And so I am going out and celebrating tonight. :)

FET, CT Scan, and.... a House?

Damn, I haven't updated in some time! I didn't even sign up for ICLW this month... what is wrong with meeee? Oh, I've been busy, that's right.

Well, what has been going on?

My FET drama is resolved. After 30 days of fighting, crying, cussing and calling non-stop -- I paid my $141 deposit and I am on my way to a FET. I will get my call Monday about medicine costs. 


I had my CT scan yesterday and that was a fucking nightmare. I was told to come in at 11am for bloodwork to make sure that I wasn't pregnant... and that was supposed to take an hour. I was also told to get there at 12:15pm to get my iv and barium before 12:30pm. Yeah fucking right. I sat there until 2:15pm and some mouthy little nurse came out and said "I wanted to tell you what is going on, your bloodwork was sent to the wrong hospital but we should have the results back in 45 minutes to an hour. You can go ahead and start drinking the barium but if your result are positive, you will have drank it for nothing."

I.
Went.
Off.
They waited THAT LONG to tell me that THEY made a mistake and I was being forced to sit there starving. So... around 2:45, the nurse put my iv in and I had already drank my entire bottle of barium water. She said I would be in and out in less than 10 minutes -- and then I sat in a chair for 25 minutes alone while I heard another nurse say "Go ahead and grab the older man in the waiting room. He's been waiting since like 2pm." I stood up and walked out. As I walked out into the main waiting area, A thought it was time to leave, just to find out that we still had MORE waiting to do.

I finally got out of the damn hospital around 4pm. I am NEVER going to use that hospital ever again.... everrrrrrr.


*#)($*@)(*#@()#@)(.
Okay, that's out of my system now.


SD and I went to Once Upon a Child today... I saw so many little music related clothing items and it broke my heart. Ah. Let's hope my FET is a success on the first try. *crosses fingers*

Ohhhhh. So.
I've had this friend since I was 5 years old -- and her parents house was my 2nd home. In the summer, I'd stay at their house more than my own! She moved to North Carolina a few years back and her parents moved there this winter... leaving the house. I have always loved their house. When I was 14, my dad bought me an architecture program and I would re-create their house ALL of the time... it's old and has so much character.

To the point: they want to sell the house and we have not-so-good credit. Well, A's credit is MUUUCCHHH better than mine (fucking cancer bills) so there is talk of a land contract until our credit improves.

Picture this: 4 bedroom house. Formal dining room. Newer kitchen/appliances. Living room with an attached playroom. Fireplace. Finished attic.

Shit, I love that house.
My only dilemma is: My parents wanted us to take over their house and they wanted to get a one story house -- probably within 2 years from now. My dad also put about $3,500 into making our apartment beautiful and the thought of only living here for 13 months & moving makes me want to cry.

I just don't want them to feel like we don't appreciate the things they've done for us. Realistically, it would make muuuuch more sense for us to move into the 4 bedroom house with an attic because of the space factor.



I am SO torn.
Advice, anyone?

Valentine's Day 2012.

A and I had agreed not to celebrate Valentine's day until Friday....because that is our next day off together.

Yesterday morning, my adorable husband walks into our apartment with flowers, candy, a necklace & earring set, a notebook for my purse (I'm guilty of ALWAYS writing on receipts), and I am in love with the basket that all of it came in! I needed a new means of storage for my make-up anyway. :)

So, feeling like an asshole because I KNEW what I was going to give him but hadn't purchased it yet, I ran out after work and bought his gifts! A card and a really expensive bottle of scotch. Yeah, he loved the shit out of that!

I got a call (yesterday) from the RE finance department, finally. They said if I have to pay out of pocket, I will pay $1600 plus medicines (I don't have to pay for a bunch of stuff that is typically standard since I just did IVF) -- he said if my insurance pays for it all, my deposit will be $55 plus medicines.

I finally got a call from the insurance IVF nurse, too and she said everything sounds good on her end so she would put in the OK for me to continue with a FET and that should get things on a roll, too. However, I called the RE today to ask them to call the insurance company and get things situated and, of course, I didn't get a call back. So annoying since I called at freaking 10:30am and their cut off for new calls is 4pm. Yeaaahhh....

So that's where things are... or, I guess, are not.

I'm planning a day in Pittsburgh here in a few weeks so I need to go ahead and get some of those details under control.

Xoxo.

I Caved. (FET Update)

I was going to take a bit of a longer break from blogging BUT I felt that this was news worthy. 


So, I had a visit with my RE a week or two ago and we agreed to do my FET in March. Well, when my husband turned in my paperwork for permission for the nurses/finance people to call our insurance and figure out our deposit, they said they'd call by 3pm on Friday. 


NO CALL. So, I called them at 4pm on Friday... and then again on Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday... no freaking call back ANY of those days. So.... I left them a message yesterday and I said I didn't appreciate paying out a bunch of money to be ignored and I would appreciate a call back to know what is going on. I know, I probably could've worded it better but I was pissed -- I think I have the right to be! 


When I left there last week, my nurse said that it was VERY important to get my paperwork turned in the NEXT day (Friday) so we could get this going so I COULD do my FET at the beginning of March. I did my part and they haven't.... and the best part?


I got a freaking voice message from the ONE nurse that I hate (out of 3) and, I kid you not, her exact words were: "You are acting like we are dropping the ball here when in reality, we are not. Your insurance company is the ones not doing their job so maybe YOU should call and get this figured out and then call us back. Our finance guy has been working on your information since Tuesday but you aren't our only patient. We have 50 other women wanting to start IVFs and FETs in March." 


Uh, excuse my language but what. the. fuck. 


I am tired of this nurses attitude so I kept the voice message and we are going to be in that city tomorrow so I'm marching my happy ass into their office and asking for that nurses supervisor. This is NOT the first time that she has treated me bad. My husband and I are hardworking middle class people, we can't afford to waste more money then we already are on fucking trips to this place! It makes me feel like shit, I drive 200 miles round trip to see this doctor because he is awesome -- but his nurse makes me feel like a pile of dog shit.


So... that's where we are in FET-land. 




In other news: my laptop came and I love it! Also, I'm addicted to Pinterest.... I found a Sangria recipe on there and I'm enjoying one or... five alcoholic beverages tonight.


Yes, yes..

Ew. Money.

So, I had my FET consult on Wednesday!
I haven't been motivated to update here much... becauuuseee I am trying to keep my mind off of trying to be fat and pregnant.

Looks like we are going to be doing our FET next month... around March 21st, to be exact!
And the best news???
NO MORE INJECTIONS! I am doing the oral/vaginal protocol. :)


My RE had tears in his eyes when he first saw me. He felt so bad about me developing OHSS that he spend 45 minutes apologizing to me. I feel like half of that problem was my fault.. I broke down in the IVF nurses office because I didn't want my cycle to be cancelled. They knew how important is was to me. I'm just nervous now to get the damn emergency room/hospital stay bills. Sigh.

We finally got our bill for the embryo storage for 2012... $415. Is that about normal? How much have you ladies paid in the past for embryo storage?


I was sad because our insurance pays for 3 free IVFs so I was hooopinnggg they paid for the embryo storage, too. The IVF nurse said that it was weird that I hadn't gotten a bill within a week -- it actually took almost 3 so I was HOPING it was paid for. Nope. Ohhhh well, $415 isn't going to kill us. I've been hording money so that when things like this come up, I shouldn't need to panic but I do!


Speaking of spending money....
I bought this yesterday.

Spending money on myself freaking stresses me out. I could buy stuff for A without thinking twice but I just can't do it for myself. Honestly, my husband had to press ORDER for me because I started to have an anxiety attack over spending the money. The laptop that I have now is supposed to be a desktop replacement -- it's not intended to be carried around because it is 11 fucking pounds.  I dropped it on my foot once and I seriously thought I crushed all of my bones.

I am back to work, finally. I love my job but man, it was nice to have a few days to lay around and do nothing. I forgot what it was like to relax.

I might not update for another week or so... I've been devoting myself to finding me. This means I've been reading, taking bubble baths, listening to music (this is important to ME because music = my savior), taking time to contact friends I haven't seen in a while, spending time with my family, writing letters to my pen pals, putting my phone on silent and ignoring it, and finally.... remembering how I got here. Through love, strength, trials, tribulations, courage...

The one thing that I've truly realized in the past few weeks?
I honestly have THE best husband anyone could ask for. 
I know my last few posts have said this but I am NOT an affectionate woman.
I haven't told my parents I loved them since I was diagnosed with cancer. It's not that I don't love my parents/family... I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions. Hell, I don't even like to be hugged/touched. My husband has to force himself upon me for hugs sometimes because I am so picky about being touched.




Oh, before I end... I begged for my cancer scan 3 months early... I go on February 22. I am scared as fuck that they will find something and this whole baby thing will be put on hold again. I won't find out my results in March 6... imagine that wait. It's worse then a 2 week wait.

I'll be fine.


I'm cancer free.

....I hope!

FET Info.

Before I start, this is A as a baby... uh, we are going to have THE cutest offspring. LOOK at this big brown eyeeess!!

Tomorrow I am going in at 11am for my FET consultation! 
This excites me because the bitch AF should be showing up aannnyyy day now.

I have had a hard time the past few days but I've only allowed myself to cry in small increments.
My doctor gave me my work release and the scheduler told me that I could return tomorrow. I was THRILLED because not only do I love my job -- I am going crazy sitting at home! And then the damn human resources woman called and said the scheduler is not correct, I cannot come back tomorrow. The girl that was filling in for me has had her schedule for a week and they weren't taking the hours from her. Ugh, fucking assholes. So now I am off until Saturday and I am bored as shit.

Things have been kind of slow lately, things have definitely settled down health/IVF wise. I am doing a LOT better, just having trouble breathing still. I can barely make it up and down the steps without feeling like I am dying. I took my first trip out to Kmart yesterday and after 20 minutes of walking around I was huffing and puffing. Jeesh.

I have a cancer appointment in a few weeks and since I didn't get to do my IVF, I am going to request my yearly CT scan to make sure that I am STILL in remission before I get pregnant. I have been reeeeally uneasy for a few weeks, since the bitch that wrote all of that crap in her blog. I shouldn't let dumbasses get to me but, I do, and I have myself worried.

And I need another mole removed. Fuck. The numbing needle hurts so freaking bad... and this time, it'll be stitches in my freaking shoulder blade. Oh well, another scar, another story!



I'm not much into buying baby stuff (even though I have friends that have given me stuff so I do horde it that way) but there are a few things that I have purchased for my future children. I know it sounds crazy but I couldn't resist!

Is that not the cutest little jacket you've ever seen!?

So cute... I hope we have a little girl eventually because she will have A wrapped around her little fingers!

I figure we are going to end up with a ton of little boys so I couldn't resist on picking this set up. Since A = talented, these felt PERFECT for future babies.

My dorky husband all bundled up, waiting for my ER!

The two of us in the pre-ER room... I was as high as a kite, hahaha.

My IVF socks!

My Experience with IVF.

I will say this now... if I use up all of my frozen embryos and I am not pregnant, then it was just not meant to be.


I will never, in my life, EVER, EVEEEEEEEEERRR do another IVF again.... ever.


The morning of my egg retrieval, I took my nerve pill and went in and begun my wait. Around 11am, they got us into a temporary room, gave me a narcotic injection and then had me relax for about 45 minutes. I was nervous, excited, anxious -- a million different emotions balled into one.

I expected a stark white hospital room and I was taken into a dark, warm room that we've become familiar with from the follicle checks. Nothing was different about this experience and that threw me off. My doctor and nurse weren't in sterile attire, I was clothed (other than being bottom half naked, obviously) and little things here and there.

I climbed up on the table, took my pants off, sprawled out and the process started. Uh, hello to the second most painful thing I've ever been through. I felt every....single....egg....being removed. EVERY FUCKING ONE! Do you understand how bad that hurts? That is reason number #29083902 I don't think I'd ever do an IVF ever again.

26 incredible little future babies were retrieved.
25 fertilized normally.
24 made it to a day 3 check-up -- almost all of them were already at 10 cells!
I didn't hear anything on day 4.... which is also the day that I was overcome with OHSS or Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.

I called my doctor on Monday because I was having a hard time breathing, I couldn't move without having the urge to vomit and I hadn't taken in ANY food or liquid in 3 days.

I was fucking miserable.

I made A take a personal day and spend the day babying me on Monday... and on Tuesday, I woke up and I couldn't take it anymore. We called my RE and they seemed to think I was just having a rough time dealing with the bloating and if I went to the hospital, I'd just need an IV with a bag of fluid and I would go. Eh, I'll stay home and work on this on my own -- HA. ....HAHAH.

We found ourselves driving to the emergency room at 1:30pm. They couldn't get my blood pressure or my pulse because everything was so screwy so they had me in a room within 10 minutes. You have to understand, in my town, this hospital will let you sit in the waiting room for hours if you're not bleeding and/or obviously dying. The fact that they actually took me seriously was refreshing in a way.

I had a CT scan and x-rays. Both of those confirmed that I was so full of fluid that my lungs (and every other organ) was being smashed. The emergency room doctor actually came in at one point, has never had an OHSS case and told me that he thinks my stomach might be full of blood. OF BLOOD?! And that my cancer might be back and in my stomach area. CANCER IS BACK?! WHAT?!

I was just trying to have a baby and I caused myself stomach cancer?


So basically, I was hysterical. Thank GOD,  we kept throwing the term "OHSS" out at this idiot and he called a local OBGYN who was a resident with my RE. 


Yes. That local doctor saved me a life flight to a major hospital and a lot of other serious testing.
I seriously thought my life was more than just put on hold for a minute, I thought I was dying.

Alright, so I'm dying, what do I do?
I text my brother and prepare to break the news to him and a slew of nurses and other people come in and say I'm being admitted for a few days and that was that.

They pumped me full of fluids. I gained 15lbs in 2 days. TWO DAMN DAYS. I was on some incredible pain medicine but I didn't get much sleep. A stayed with me in the hospital for a few days, sleeping in a shitty somewhat reclining chair and didn't complain about it for a second.

Looking over at him and seeing him sleeping in that chair made one of the darkest days of my life seem oddly... perfect. I might not be pregnant this month, but I will be eventually... but I have a husband here, now, who loves me, supports me and does so much for me. My apartment feels lonely without his presence. He was by my side for 5 days in a row... I actually cried a little thinking of him leaving today.



Moving on... Only 8 of our babies made it to freeze. Only 8. What the fuck happened to the other 16 that were thriving so perfectly? So advanced and ready for a uterus? They didn't tell me...and frankly, I don't know if it would help change anything either way.

We are preparing for a FET... I guess that shit takes just as long as an IVF to prepare for so, here goes nothing, I guess.

Oh, and some gracious motherfucker gave me a cold. I don't mean sniffles and snot, I mean, can't breath, no snot no matter how hard I blow, sore throat, headache, wheezing, sore body kind of cold. As if I didn't go through enough with a terrible egg retrieval, OHSS, thinking I was dying, I definitely wanted a cold on top of it all! Mmmmhmmm.

I'm sorry if this post has a lot of cussing. Frankly, I couldn't contain it. I haven't been upset or angry about ANY of this since it's all started. I haven't had the damn energy. But, I logged on to Pinterest, saw my "For When We Have BBBAABBIIIESS!!!!" section and lost it. No shit, I started to cry so hard that I almost threw up.

So here I am, watching the minutes pass by and praying that 1am gets here quickly so I can squeeze the shit out of my husband and cry on his boney shoulder.