A Little Less Moody.

Well, I'm finally feeling a little less mean. I seriously HATE doxycycline, that shit made me feel like I had the flu. A never complains about feeling like hell and he was complaining just as much as I towards the end.

T-minus 4 days until my first Lupron shot! 11 days and I'm done with the BCPs!
Can you believe that the time is flying like this... because I sure as heck can't believe it.
I knew once MY turn came, I would feel overwhelmed but oddly enough, I'm excited about the damn shots starting.

Does anyone have an horror stories about Lupron? Should I expect any side effects? 
I have to take it before work and I take care of an elderly woman so I don't want it to affect my work like the doxycycline did.

Update on - These are all of the things that I want to do (Christmas and non-Christmas related) in December:

1. Take the horse & carriage ride through our downtown (this is happening on Thursday)
2. Get all of the Christmas shopping done early 
3. Build gingerbread house
4. Make Christmas cookies at least twice    (this is happening tomorrow!)
5. Buy Christmas pajamas
6. Put up lights outside of our apartment
7. Finish filling out Christmas cards for my pen pals (Yes, I have a few of those, they're amazing!) (just need to mail them out, but I won't cross this out until I actually DO it)
8. See the light show at the Courthouse, the FULL show (we only stayed for 20 minutes of it because it was sooo cold out)
9. Get our apartment in order so I can relax when I'm doing IVF related stuff (I'm working daily on this but I have about 4 weeks (FROM TODAY, HOLY SHIT) that I should expect to retrieve)
10.  Clean out the storage room at my parents house and take all of the stuff I don't use to the Goodwill (I haven't even started this at my parents but I have at our house, two bags taken to Goodwill already!)

I have one friend that I know reads this, and I wanted to say hi to her! (Hi SG!) Though we've only hung out one time, I appreciate her honestly and caring. I also know that I can go to her when I need to whine about IVF or friends because she will always listen and cheer me up.

I've been having a hard time (obviously, I mean, I have bitched in my last few posts) and I really miss my best friend and being able to TRUST people. Seriously, I've been weeding out people from my life because I just can't handle trusting them. 

I won't give you much of a back story but I was trying to tell a friend *coughfriendcough* about my IVF stuff and she stopped what she was doing and said "I don't really understand the IVF stuff so anything you tell me is pretty much irrelevant to me anyway."

...Really?

That's all I want to say in case she ever, for whatever reason, stumbles upon my blog... but I'd like her to know that REALLY hurt my feelings. A and I left their house that night and I told him and he was in shock. 

Side note: My client is making me watch CMT Artists of the Year and Gavin Degraw is on here singing someones song (I missed whose song it was) -- I love Gavin but no, just NO to this song. And he looks a little fatter than usual (not that I have any room to speak but seriously, has he gained weight or is his fedora making him look chubby?)

I'm preparing a January To-Do list in a few minutes.... who wants to come to Ohio and help me complete the tasks!? I'll pay in hugs and alcohol (or sparkling juice for the pregnant beauties!)




Before I go, pictures of our gingerbread house and the surprise flowers A picked up for me! :)

the front of our hosue <3.

the back of the house, complete with snow covered window ;)

the rooooof.

my incredible husband (and our messy kitchen)

surprise flowers! <3 <3

On a Serious Note.

I've had a really rough time throughout my life with trusting people and keeping friends close. You see, I've had some really crappy friends in the past and they've done some terrible things to me. Because of those girls, I've had the hardest time believing ANYONE about ANYTHING. I question my friendships still because of the things that happened. It also causes me to push people away and to obsess over things so bad that friends just don't want to deal with me. I've found the few people that actually care about me and are willing to love me and listen to me and be there for me... but this 24 year old woman still wants to have the insane amount of friends that I did when was 16 (I was surrounded by people constantly, my phone always ringing, always had plans).

 When I was about 13 years old, I went to the house of a friend and used her computer. I didn't know it at the time but she set their computer to save passwords. They used this against me, for no reason other than to be malicious, and sent e-mails to my mother, my best friend, and my 6th grade teacher. They told my mother that I was pregnant, told my best friend (who was dating my brother) that he was cheating on her, and told my 6th grade teacher that I was in love with him. These were also the same girls that CARVED my name, telephone number, and a message about how I give blowjobs for free into the wooden bleachers.

 I can still remember myself sitting on my parents porch writing my suicide note because I didn't want to be alive anymore.

Those girls did that stuff to me had no reason to do it, other than for their entertainment. I was (and still am) a shy girl, I kept to myself and I tried to be a good friend. I've always tried to be a good friend. I found a new group of friends that year and I managed to get through junior high school without any more instances with those girls.

 Fast forward to high school, 16 years old. I was having sex on and off with a guy that insisted on hiding the fact that we were hanging out. He was single but we had the same group of friends, one of them being his ex and he was also in college. I would drive 90 miles away to be with him on the weekends, lying to my parents and saying that I was with my best friend at her brothers house. Because of this guy and another guy, my ex, I have trust issues with men. This is a huge deal with it comes down to relationships in general, but it's especially hard because my husband is such an amazing man. He has stood by me through cancer, family issues, financial issues, friend issues, and now, infertility... he truly IS a blessing to me. I may not show him, I may get irritated with him, I may be short with him but when I get ready for work in the morning and I look in our bed at him sleeping so peacefully, I get teary-eyed. I. Am. Lucky.

 Move on to the more recent years.... friendships haven't been easy, again. We were really close with a select group of people but something happened and we just stopped keeping in touch. They have their own lives now and that's fine, occasionally a few of us will text/Facebook to say hi. And then there are the fairweather friends... I need to cut THOSE ones out of my life. I am tired of being used, I really am. It's taking it's toll on me and I'm finally starting to crumble.

 I have an amazing set of friends, the ones that actually care. And I can honestly say that I have NOT been the best of friend but I try and I'm always here when someone needs me. Recently, a friend of me told me that she was pregnant and I reacted terribly. I was typing a message out to my husband, a message pieced together in a moment of madness and jealousy, and I sent it to HER and not my husband. She was very hurt, as I would be, too. I still feel terrible for that happening. My jealously for other people being healthy (I am cancer free, but my body still hurts and I get sick all of the time) and I'm SO jealous of women with working body parts that will ALLOW them the gift of getting pregnant/carrying a child. I hate that I've been through such terrible things at my age but I am learning daily to appreciate what I have.

 I'll end this post with some pictures of a few of the BEST PEOPLE THAT I KNOW.

Best friend and I in 2006.

Husband and myself... engagement pictures. :)

One of my favorites from our engagement session.

Halloween 2009, right after I had surgery.

Wedding!

Probably my favorite wedding photo! 

M and I at an All Time Low concert

Husband, myself, SM, and her other half.