2011 in Review.

I've decided to go ahead and say GOOOOOOOOOODBYE 2011 a little early!
I am going to be pre-IVF nesting tomorrow and Saturday, well, I fully plan on being shit faced!

Most of it will be infertility related because that's the shit that is burned into my brain. I can't even remember what I wore yesterday, so I definitely don't remember what happened during specific months. Hahaha.

Soo... where to start? :)

January 2011 - We moved into an apartment that my parents own (and renovated for us!), start job hunting (since I was off of work for 18 months because of cancer), trying to conceive naturally though my period was non-existent.

February 2011 - A went to California to be with his grandparents because their health is not the best (and they raised him as a child), I started to work again in a new field taking care of elderly people, still TTC

March 2011 - Bridal shower, wedding planning and soon-to-be in-laws came to stay with us for a while, still enjoying the new job, AF came but BFN... again.

April 2011 - WEDDING! Married the best man I've ever known, went to the doctor for a pap and she was very alarmed that my period has been irregular considering I did chemotherapy for so damn long, did a bunch of tests and confirmed I was in fact NOT ovulating... almost at all. My first results were: 0.3 -- how pathetic?

May 2011 - She suggested that I see a reproductive specialist so the scramble to find the BEST one in my area was on! Until we found one, she was keeping me on Provera to induce a period just so that I could try to continue a normal cycle monthly. Find out that my wait to get into the BEST RE IN THE AREA is (dun dun dun) 3 months. I schedule with a woman doctor originally and call back a few weeks later and beg for any doctor that could see me earlier. I was also having a LOT of pain in my legs and had to have a few CT scans to make sure the cancer wasn't back and causing the pain. ALL CLEAR.... still.

June 2011 - I saw my RE this month and he decided that as soon as I had a cycle in July, I would start 50mg Clomid + trigger and then I'd magically be pregnant. In fact, Dr. S straight up said to me "You'll be pregnant by the end of the year, it's not going to take more than Clomid!"  (Wish I could rewind now and throw that shit in his face!)

July 2011 - My 24th birthday, Clomid 50mg, and our VERY late honeymoon. We went to Philadelphia & New Jersey because we are friends with a few guys in a band called Mayday Parade. They were playing with one of my all time favorite bands ever the Starting Line (who only happened to be playing the show in Philadelphia and a show in New Jersey) so, of course, I just HAD to go to this! We actually had to trigger the day of the show which made me unhappy... the trigger made me have some crazy ass hot flashes and I felt like I was dying halfway through the show. One of the guys from Mayday Parade put us on the guest list for their show the next day in New Jersey (which happened to be the day that we were planning on leaving to go home) and we decided to go. Drove 2 hours out of our way to go, had a lot of fun and ended up spending 14.5 hours (instead of 10) driving home that night because we are idiots and tried to drive the night through. We also missed our deadline to have sex (36 hours after trigger) so, of course, July was a BFN. My progesterone level was 1.7 (still awful)

August 2011 - Dr. S upped my dosage of Clomid to 100mg + trigger = BFN. Still clear for cancer! A bought me a car.... a mommy mobile, just for the babies that we are hoping to stuff in the backseat of it sooner than later. Also started a new, full time job, taking care of one woman 6 days a week. I love her to pieces! Progesterone was 14.

September 2011 - Dr S. upped my dosage of Clomid to 150mg + trigger = cancelled cycle. My body became Clomid resistant and my biggest follie on CD18 was only a 15mm. Talk of IVF started.

October 2011 - We had our IVF consult and started the process to see how much our insurance would pay for. Fully expected AF to show up this month but the bitch stayed away, resulting in a January IVF instead of a late November/early December IVF. This was almost my ONE YEAR CANCER free celebration.... we went to a Mayday Parade show (which, ironically, is what we did last year to celebrate that I was cancer free. Crazy that they were in Ohio almost exactly one year from the last time they came)

November 2011 - Spent the entire month avoiding sex and praying that AF didn't show up at all this month. I was scared that my IVF was going to be pushed back even further if I started to bleed. No show, so we were good to go! Also ordered ALL of my IVF medicines this month because we had the extra money just laying around.

December 2011 - This.... month has been INSANE. It has flown by and I am perfectly fine with that. Lupron is cake, BCPs were cake, let's hope the rest of this goes as smoothly.... well, let's not kid ourselves, I know the PIO shots are going to murder my ass but, I'll survive. I've been through worse** I'll give you an example in a second, just remind me.

I am so damn anxious for 2012 to get here... to get babies transferred into me, to hopefully have them stick for the majority of 2012 and to have a baby or two to spoil and love at Christmas time.   I was watching tv a few nights ago and a woman on the show I was watching said that she felt like her purpose of living was finally made clear.... she was put on this earth to be a mommy. That's EXACTLY how I feel, I am here to be a mommy. I have love from family and friends but I am missing the love of a child... the love that has no boundaries, consequences, or guidelines. I want to be needed, to have tired eyes, to spend 45 minutes trying to get out of the house for a 10 minute run to the grocery store. I want ALL of that and more!

2012... you're going to be my year!



**Alright my example of "going through worse" is this:
I have this lymphnode behind my right ear (if you feel behind your ears, you'll probably feel a lump, it's a lymphnode) that occasionally gets inflamed. It never did this before cancer but it doesn't it ALL of the time now... it usually means that I am fighting off a viral infection. However, before they knew that's what it was -- they made me go through a procedure called a "fine needle biopsy". HA! That needle was NOT "fine" it was a giant fucking needle and I was stabbed in the ear with it almost 50 times. Yeah... that was bullshit. I broke down crying after the first set of 10 stabs and then I just held my breath after that. Turns out, it was nothing!

If you look close enough, you will see how bruised it is. There are 4 dots from the biopsies. Little mountain of pain.