Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'm Jealous.

Honestly.

I was watching One Born Every Minute on Lifetime (because it is recorded at a hospital 90 miles from me) and reality set in.

I won't have a natural pregnancy.
My husband and I won't have the joy of knowing we were able to create a child alone.

I haven't even started the IVF process, other than Provera to induce AF, and I fucking hate it already.

I'm blessed we get 3 absolutely free IVF attempts but I never wanted to be at this point.

I'm 24. I've already had cancer but now infertility? If they would've told me I might have fertility issues after chemotherapy, I probably would've skipped chemo. Seriously.

I'm angry. Jealous. Bitter. Resentful. -- at all fertile women.

Who knew all of these feelings would come out all because I watched a tv show....
on
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6 comments:

  1. LoraDecember 1, 2011 at 8:33 AM

    I couldn't agree with you more. Its amazing the things that can trigger those feelings. There is a grieving process involved in even getting to the point of pursuing ivf.

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  2. ChickenpigDecember 1, 2011 at 9:13 AM

    You have every right to grieve, because that's what you're doing. That anger is one of the steps in the process. All these years later and after all the rounds of IVF I've done, I still get angry that the only chance my husband and I have to get pregnant is with IVF. I'm still angry that surgery has left my uterus scarred to the point where I can't ever deliver vaginally. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that anyone has to, it isn't fair.

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  3. JesicaDecember 1, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    Thanks for being honest. Too many of us worry about about stepping on the fertiles toes by saying what we really feel and I'm glad you wrote how you're ACTUALLY feeling.

    Infertility sucks...pure and simple.

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  4. Emily @ablanket2keepDecember 2, 2011 at 8:50 AM

    I am currently going through this grieving too. We are getting closer to actual treatment and it does make me angry that we can't do it naturally. Glad you wrote this. I'm not happy you are feeling like this, but it is nice to know someone is feeling the same way right now. Know what I mean?

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  5. Joys TrulyDecember 2, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    I hear ya on the anger. It's all a roller coaster of emotions. Know that we are always here to listen to the rants of anger and honesty. Let it out girl! Sending you a hug...

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  6. JonelleDecember 2, 2011 at 7:53 PM

    Thanks for commenting on my blog a few weeks ago during ICLW. I can't watch shows like that, because I get jealous, bitter and all those other things you metioned.

    Infertility sucks soo much. I hope everything works out for your IVF cycle.

    Jonelle

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