Infertility is the second hardest issue that I've ever faced in my 24 years of life.
Cancer was the scariest, hardest part of my life. Having my body cut to pieces (and it'll never be fixed) and having chemotherapy for so long... I never thought anything would ever be as bad as cancer.
Until I came upon infertility.
I had an amazing relationship with my husband before all of this started. Now, it's all I focus on. We hardly spend time together because of our conflicting work schedules and every Friday (our day off together), he insists on driving to a city that's 90 miles away and having band practice. It came down to choosing tonight because I am at my wits end of being alone all of the time and being put SECOND to a band. That band was only supposed to be a hobby and this hobby of his has turned into ALL he thinks about.
He's devastated that he's taking a break from the band but I think that we need some marriage counseling and quick. We need to figure out communication skills and he needs someone else to tell him how hard infertility and cancer have been on me emotionally and mentally.
I am guarded and cautious and angry that my life has turned to what it is right now.
I spend every second of every day wondering if I have evil cancer cells growing in my body and then throw infertility in there..... I COULD SCREAM.
In fact, I did - into a pillow earlier.
I never wanted it to come down to my husband choosing between me and his hobby that he loves so much.. but our fights increased by 95% since joining and his compassion, caring, sensitive side has completely disappeared. He doesn't listen to me anymore and he lets his friends talk about me without saying anything to them (this is a new occurance).
I just want a few days away from IVF thoughts and cancer thoughts... and away from cell phones and "friends" and friends and family and LIFE. I wish we could afford to go away for a few days.
I am calling my counselor tomorrow because all of these emotions need to go away before I start my IVF medicines in a few weeks. I don't want to bring a baby into this world when I'm so vulnerable and emotionally damaged.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have already had to face so much.
ReplyDeleteThe last thing you need is an unsupportive husband.
I think it’s great that you are calling your counselor maybe all you need is your lines of communication opened up. I pray you and your husband will come to an understanding. You’re in my thoughts sending love!
So sorry to hear about your hubby, as if infertility isn't hard enough without the marital conflicts it can cause!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're calling your counselor because you're right, better to have it dealt with before you start IVF meds!