On a Serious Note.

I've had a really rough time throughout my life with trusting people and keeping friends close. You see, I've had some really crappy friends in the past and they've done some terrible things to me. Because of those girls, I've had the hardest time believing ANYONE about ANYTHING. I question my friendships still because of the things that happened. It also causes me to push people away and to obsess over things so bad that friends just don't want to deal with me. I've found the few people that actually care about me and are willing to love me and listen to me and be there for me... but this 24 year old woman still wants to have the insane amount of friends that I did when was 16 (I was surrounded by people constantly, my phone always ringing, always had plans).

 When I was about 13 years old, I went to the house of a friend and used her computer. I didn't know it at the time but she set their computer to save passwords. They used this against me, for no reason other than to be malicious, and sent e-mails to my mother, my best friend, and my 6th grade teacher. They told my mother that I was pregnant, told my best friend (who was dating my brother) that he was cheating on her, and told my 6th grade teacher that I was in love with him. These were also the same girls that CARVED my name, telephone number, and a message about how I give blowjobs for free into the wooden bleachers.

 I can still remember myself sitting on my parents porch writing my suicide note because I didn't want to be alive anymore.

Those girls did that stuff to me had no reason to do it, other than for their entertainment. I was (and still am) a shy girl, I kept to myself and I tried to be a good friend. I've always tried to be a good friend. I found a new group of friends that year and I managed to get through junior high school without any more instances with those girls.

 Fast forward to high school, 16 years old. I was having sex on and off with a guy that insisted on hiding the fact that we were hanging out. He was single but we had the same group of friends, one of them being his ex and he was also in college. I would drive 90 miles away to be with him on the weekends, lying to my parents and saying that I was with my best friend at her brothers house. Because of this guy and another guy, my ex, I have trust issues with men. This is a huge deal with it comes down to relationships in general, but it's especially hard because my husband is such an amazing man. He has stood by me through cancer, family issues, financial issues, friend issues, and now, infertility... he truly IS a blessing to me. I may not show him, I may get irritated with him, I may be short with him but when I get ready for work in the morning and I look in our bed at him sleeping so peacefully, I get teary-eyed. I. Am. Lucky.

 Move on to the more recent years.... friendships haven't been easy, again. We were really close with a select group of people but something happened and we just stopped keeping in touch. They have their own lives now and that's fine, occasionally a few of us will text/Facebook to say hi. And then there are the fairweather friends... I need to cut THOSE ones out of my life. I am tired of being used, I really am. It's taking it's toll on me and I'm finally starting to crumble.

 I have an amazing set of friends, the ones that actually care. And I can honestly say that I have NOT been the best of friend but I try and I'm always here when someone needs me. Recently, a friend of me told me that she was pregnant and I reacted terribly. I was typing a message out to my husband, a message pieced together in a moment of madness and jealousy, and I sent it to HER and not my husband. She was very hurt, as I would be, too. I still feel terrible for that happening. My jealously for other people being healthy (I am cancer free, but my body still hurts and I get sick all of the time) and I'm SO jealous of women with working body parts that will ALLOW them the gift of getting pregnant/carrying a child. I hate that I've been through such terrible things at my age but I am learning daily to appreciate what I have.

 I'll end this post with some pictures of a few of the BEST PEOPLE THAT I KNOW.

Best friend and I in 2006.

Husband and myself... engagement pictures. :)

One of my favorites from our engagement session.

Halloween 2009, right after I had surgery.

Wedding!

Probably my favorite wedding photo! 

M and I at an All Time Low concert

Husband, myself, SM, and her other half.